Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Freedom For Tooting

I am really unsure how to approach what can only be described as middle-age.

Whilst my body is showing all the early signs of mid-life decay it is far from the knackers yard. Grey hairs are respectfully staying to the sides of my head and a paunch has yet to fully explore the rest of my body. Reflexes are fairly sharp, teeth good and my non-smoking continues to roll on at an alarming rate of one year and rolling.Now exercise may be something that other people do to ward off the excesses of youth but I really don't have that much gym time in me. If I want to feel the burn then give me a steaming Madras or a an Ikea wardrobe to assemble.

As I get older I find myself become less tolerable with the world and its odd little ways versus my odd little ways. I'm sure the world couldn't give a flying fig but then that just serves to make me even angrier with it. So enough is enough.

If you are old enough to remember Wolfie Smith from the late 1970's BBC series Citizen Smith then not only will your body also be entering, journeying through or even exiting middle-age, you will be aware that he kept a little black book in which he wrote the names of all those that had offended him, chided him, goaded him, attacked him or even just rubbed him up the wrong way. Come the Glorious Day he was to line then all up against the wall and seek retribution, Pop! Pop! Pop! - revolutionary style.

This was, and still is, an excellent idea. Far too many people seem to almost form a disorderly queue these days to offend, abuse and generally hack me off. I'm not conceited enough to think that it's only me that they hack off but I am conceited enough to tell you all about it.

I have purchased a little black book and have been feverishly filling it up.

My list, is as follows, in no particular order, and up to now…

- People who buy bottled water - it falls from the sky, people, and isn't half as tasty as coke.

- People who are the victim of shark attacks – sharks live in the sea and eat in the sea. Important last part there. Have done for millions of years before we were even on Earth. Stop paddling in their larder!

- Lottery winners that carry on working – Karma gave you this great fortune for a reason - “My Name Is Earl” style. Don't squander a once in several lifetimes opportunity by continuing to clean toilets for minimum wage everyday, pausing only to holiday in Rhyl in the same caravan you've visited for the last 35 years, whilst accruing £2,000 per week in bank interest until the day you die surrounded by cats and tiny snow globes of Rhyl.

- T.V. companies that ask if you have been affected by the programme just broadcast – if an episode of Coronation Street, the one where Roy and transexual Hayley kiss, for instance, pushes you toward gender modification, then you were walking a well-trodden path prior to 7.30 on any Monday evening on ITV1.

- 3D TV – I've just spent £850 on a 42 inch HD TV with cinema surround sound – I was told it was the latest thing by a guy in a shop who hadn't told his tie, shoes or haircut the same thing.

It's not 3D TV, though.

Dear world, If I promise to buy a 3D TV will you put off Holographic TV projection for about 10 years or until at least I've paid for this TV?

Regards 2D Steve Kerr

- TV lesbians and TV makeovers – both look so much better on Channel 4 TV than they ever have in real life.

- Textspeak on Facebook. There really is no need for abbreviation when you are sat at a keyboard. I exonerate my teenage nieces for such speech as it's their Cockney rhyming slang to our inquisitive, prying eyes. The rest of you...WTF? Lmao. ;

- Packets of peanuts that warn on the rear of their packets that they contain nuts. Let the gene pool filter out such numbskulls who are allergic to peanuts yet still buy a packet of peanuts only to then read the warning on the back and slowly put the packet down and walk away – smug that they cheated death.

- People who have neither the imagination nor the inclination to finish their sentences. It probably is the

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