I don’t need my willy extending,
Maybe you should email my wife.
My wire transfer’s really not pending,
And I don’t need a coach for my life.
I’ve no need to improve my body,
So what if sand’s kicked in my face?
I’m comfortable looking this shoddy,
No need for alarms or for mace.
Nigerian Generals, I worry,
You’re losing your money again.
It’s nice that you say I must hurry,
But haven’t you thousands of men?
I don’t want free spins on casinos,
Why sell my house back to the bank?
I don’t want to date Filipinos,
I’ve found that they’re too often, Frank.
I haven’t just won a new iPhone,
I’m not the one millionth hit.
Nothing lasts forever, I’ve long known,
So send the free Will-Writing Kit.
Send vouchers to save on my shopping,
The shops pay less tax than we do.
Save rainforests dropping by chopping,
Watch Amazon’s profits accrue.
Send news of the sad and the needy,
Finally finely tuned my heart-strings.
Just don’t send me spam from the greedy,
As a smack in the mush often stings.