21st Century Nursery Rhymes #1

There was an old woman
Who lived in a shoe
She was a rough-sleeper
Her dog lived there too
The council can't help
She justs needs a bed
The dog turned on her
And now they're both dead.

CO-CODOMAL DREAMING (part 2)

I dreamt I drove a
Custard car
On a jelly track
I hit some cream
In this strange dream
I was a trifle slack.

PUBLIC TOILET - VIRAL ETIQUETTE

Once you've peed you'll read
Three times as much

Pull chain!

Now Wash Your Hands
Now Wash Your Hands
Now Wash Your Hands

Again!

DEFINITIONISH (part 8)

SUPERCILIOUS - Blind Date/Surprise Surprise marathon
EGOTISTICAL - A show-offs bollock?
CANNIBAL - A Geordie's bollock
BIBLICAL - Baby serviette
TRAMPOLINE - Vagrant polish
SURROUNDED - Fat teacher
CONFUSION - Prison sex
MANOEUVERING - Rare cleaning act

TOGETHER IN PERPETUAL DREAMS

I keep dreaming that I
Am the inventor of
Perpetual motion.

I could go on...

DEFINITIONISH (part 6)

TYPOS - Most popular blood group
ISOLATE -  Not running on time
EMOTION - Ignoring Goths
DRAMATIC - Theatre flea
SINEWY - Long streak of piss
GLADIATOR - Happy cannibal husband
FUNDAMENTAL - Sponsor a nutter
HARDEN - Tough chicken

DEFINITIONISH (part 7)

REASONABLE - A trapped Matador
CONSCIOUS - A quiet fraud
BLOOMINGDALES - Unpublished Charlotte Brontë novel
NEON - Restraint technique
EDINBURGH - Trapped rabbit
BORDER - Disastrous first date
UNIVERSE - One line poem
CONVENT - A prison grill.

ROUGH-SLEEPING FIGURES

The government may be lying to us
(Adjust your tin-foil hat)
It's all to do with Corona Virus
And simple cold-hard facts.

If numbers experts calculated
Are no more than fifteen
Why are people self-isolated
In shop doorways I have seen?

THE CONSTANT TRAVELLER

We are the constant travellers.
We are all sofa-surfing on the week.
The Landlord of Time is surely a Doctor Who villain.
I know I used to hide behind my sofa when the theme music started.
We all hide from the rent-man when he comes a-knocking.
He needs paying on time with time.

DEFINITIONISH (part 5)

MANIFOLD - Contortionist
STANDARD - What bouncers do
EDIBLE - What footballers do
EMU - Electronic cattle
AEROFOIL - Chocolate wrapper
PERMEATE - Very bad hairdo
TEMPORARY - Occasionally hirsute
UNDERNEATH - Swansea
ECLIPSE - Male hairdresser